Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Scrub the Pain Away.

She hardly ever thought about Michael Jackson anymore.
I mean, who had the time?
Not her, that's for sure.
What, you think she still thought about him?
Well fuck you, you're wrong.
Because she didn't.
I mean, who even had the time?

The Once and Future Queens.

Dr. Porter had seen his share of "complicated" births before, but still.
Maintaining his icy professionalism, he asked:
"Have you... picked out names for... for them?"
He leaned in to hear the exhausted mother.
"...my little angels... Mary Kate and Ashley..."

Monday, June 29, 2009

DreadWiki: The Moberly-Jourdain Incident.

"A time slip is an alleged paranormal phenomenon in which a person, or group of people, travel through time through supernatural (rather than technological) means."

"...in a production of..."

My Dearest Minions:

If you have not yet seen it, I urge you to celebrate your own inner awkward theatre-kid at my no-less-loved secondary blog, "...in a production of..."

There you will find a tribute to the tragically earnest art form of the theatre publicity photo.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

DreadWhimsy Jukebox.

Michael Jackson. (1972)

DreadVid: The Importance of Science Fiction.

"Nine legendary authors present their ideas on why SF is important to readers and what it teaches them. These excerpts are from a series of interviews and lectures done from 1968-1978 by Prof. James Gunn at the University of Kansas."

DreadWiki: The "Bloop."


"The Bloop is the name given to an ultra-low frequency underwater sound detected by the U.S. National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration several times during the summer of 1997. The source of the sound remains unknown..."

They Take Our Women, They Take Our Jobs.

You know, Jurek still had his pride.
He'd beg in the streets for bread.
He'd sing and dance for loose change.
But he'd be God-damned if he'd accept handouts from one of them.

You Can Fly, You Can Fly, You Can Fly.

Apparently there were like new laws or something about throwing pixie dust in kids' faces and urging them to jump out third-story windows.
God, this used to be so much easier back in the day, thought Peter.

The Devil Wears Pampers.

"Gentlemen, I'll expect your answer by noon tomorrow."
Little Timmy Farber snapped the briefcase shut and toddled out of the boardroom.
What choice did they have? He had a controlling share.
No one had seen the hostile take-over coming. No one.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Tell The Children I Went on Holiday.

It was a shame the yams had turned out so badly.
All in all, it had been a perfect Christmas up to then.
But Peggy knew.
It was her time to go out behind the woodshed.

"NO! Just Shut Your Mouth! Just Shut Up!"

Shit, man, you know? Sometimes he just needed some goddamned space.
The bike had been a good call.
Before, he'd always taken it out on Wanda and the kids.
Now... now he had an escape.
Single-handedly saved their marriage, honest-to-God.

"You SURE You've Never Played Before?"

It was Ricardo's signature move.
Compliment her on "her form"...
...get behind her, work on the back-hand.
Within an hour, they'd be back at his bungalow for Bloody Mary's and a handjob.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

DreadWhimsy Jukebox.

Super Mario Brothers 2: End Theme.
Koji Kondo. (1986)
[performed by banksta2 on YouTube]

He Came For Them in the Night.

Mr. Peanut always gained the parents' trust first.
These small-town yokels were so easily blinded by his Old World charm.
A week later, he'd be gone.
So would the children.

The Secret Life of Dogs.

There was something so unfair about the way Clifford died.
His life had been so... well, Big.
And the virus had been so small.

Connie, Don't Be Silly, You Look Great.

Ohmygod, she'd practically starved herself all winter long for this, but who's kidding who: there was no hiding this muffin top.
So, no way.
She'd stay right here in the pool until Marcus Fitch and his friends left.

Monday, June 22, 2009

DreadWhimsy Jukebox.

Simon Smith & His Amazing Dancing Bear.
Alan Price Set. (1967)

One Classical Monologue, One Contemporary.

The best part was the hours were flexible, so he could still make open-call auditions.
It's just to make rent, Robbie, he told himself.
It's not who you are.

He's Not Returning My Pages.

The worst part about doing coke was that there was never enough.
But let's face it, there wasn't enough coke in the world to make Paulina forget what happened that night in Minneapolis.

You Knew What I Was Like When You Said Yes.

"Hey, you know what? D'you like that lavish wedding we just had, Amber? You like the penthouse my job paid for in Westwood? Oh you do? Oh, well okay then, so I guess you don't have a problem with me checking my e-mail during our honeymoon after all, huh."

Sunday, June 21, 2009

DreadWhimsy Jukebox.

I'll Follow the Sun.
The Beatles, Beatles For Sale. (1964)
[Performed by the talented Adrian Holovaty of Chicago:

Saturday, June 20, 2009

You'll Be Safe Here Now, Try to Rest.

Who could Tenille even talk to about the hallucinations?!
About the "people only she could see."
Look, she wasn't crazy. And I know: only crazy people say they're not crazy, but, I mean, she wasn't crazy, you guys.

"We're Getting Reports of a Massive Space-craft..."

Looking back, was the short enslavement of humanity by our alien overlords, Mieux-Mieux and Praxis, really such a "reign of terror," the way the cable news media's trying portray it?
Let's not re-write history. It wasn't all that bad.

Not Without My Swine Flu.

Jing-Wei was coughing by the time they reached the outskirts of the city, but Lien couldn't let her sister rest. Not for a minute. Not for a second.
Not until they made it past the quarantine zone.
Not until they warned the outside world.

Friday, June 19, 2009

+ Add-As-Lover.

The website compiled all of Tiffany's preferences, browser history, cookies, tweets, iTunes and Amazon purchases and selected Latex Mould CM#473-S.
Three to five shipping days later, Dakota Cody Dylan knocked on the front door.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

DreadWhimsy Jukebox.

Halfway Down the Stairs.
Robin the Frog, The Muppet Show. (1976)
[Lyrics from a poem by A.A. Milne.]

Just One Day Out of Life.

Oh, what the fuck, thought Carter. It was Pride Weekend, after all.
Let the world see what they liked in the bedroom. We're all adults.

Spread the Dread.

Like some starving woodland beast drawn to the sound of fat children gossiping by a riverbank, Professor DreadWhimsy cannot resist the siren song of this "Twitter."

Follow me, Minions, and tell your friends:

"You Know What They Say: You Bark, You Narc."

"Naw, I don't like this--"
"--just chill, dogg--"
"Naw, Kapowski's been in there too long. They found the wire."
"They didn't find the wire--"
"They found the wire, man."
"Just chill. All right? Let me think."

"The Year is One!"

My Dearest Minions:

Thank you for ONE YEAR of whimsy and dread.
This week last summer, these chronicles of despair were begun, and like some sticky larval creature plucked from underneath a flagstone, taken home in a shoebox, and secretly raised in your closet, it has grown unexpectedly into something fearful.

Continue to send pictures of mirth and woe.
Continue to tell your highly-suggestible friends.
Continue your hideous transformation.

And wipe that smile off your face.

In Due Sincerity,
Professor Adrian DreadWhimsy.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

DreadWhimsy Jukebox.

Mrs. Brown, You've Got A Lovely Daughter.
Herman's Hermits. (1965)

Itsy Bitsy.

Tabitha'd talked about the spider behind the woodshed for weeks.
But Mommy just drank her "Shardo-nay" and told Tabby to stop lying. Like her father.
Well, Tabby was tired of Mommy's Shardo-nay mouth.
And things were about to change around here.

The God of Small Royalty Checks.

Anuja couldn't believe they talked her into the reunion.
Hadn't they made enough money off their one hit single?
Yes, Hello? (Dance! Dance! Dance!) had put her through university. In the States.
Sigh... "One night only, Romesh. Then I'm on a plane back to London."

"Oh! Krissy! Show Dr. Goldberg Your Act!"

A terrible hush fell over the dinner party.
Mrs. Poppler quickly offered everyone a coffee?
Or a brandy?
Or a scotch-and-soda?
Anything to take attention away from the Holocaust joke Miss Spunkypluck had suddenly blurted out.

Tell Me About Your Background.

Point is, he didn't care if it made a "good story."
If it made him "stand out from the crowd."
Growing up on the Compound... it just... wasn't the sort of thing he wanted to talk about during a college interview.
Not even to get into Wake Forest.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

I Dream of Tatooine.

George awoke in a fevered sweat.  
Must have fallen asleep on the sun-porch again.
But the omen was unmistakable.  Same dream as always.  
And it only ever meant one thing: time to expand the franchise.

Mags and Viv on a Tuesday Morning.

"No, I know, believe you me, and I said Nigel--"
"--no you did not--"
"--no, I did, I said, Nigel, if I can trim myself down there so can you."
"Stop it."
"I did! I said, here: Hand me the clippers.  I'll even show you how."
"Oh, you are terrible, aren't you."

Terminator: Salivation.

"No, it's the perfect direction to take the franchise. This time they send back an even deadlier one to kill Sarah Connor as a little girl. It's a prequel, plus with the dog it opens us up to a PG family rating.
"I mean, I'm just trying to do my job here... you got something against us making money?"

It's Just There's Full-Time and There's Freelance.

Cherylynn from HR was nice enough, and he appreciated her coming all the way down to talk him through it.  
But he could tell by the fake flirtation in her voice:  
He didn't qualify for the training seminar.