Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Robots You Can Believe In.

Right in the middle of the Inauguration, Barack suddenly thought of the moment it all started: his 10th birthday, when he'd asked the robot if he could wish for anything.  And the robot had said: "Yes you can."  
Well... well, I guess the midget inside the robot anyway...

If You Want to Know What She'll Look Like in 30 Years...

Ralph braced himself as he went to open the door, long enough to plaster on the fake smile he reserved for Holly's mother.  
"Morag, you're looking lovely this--" 
"Save it," she barked, pushing her way in.  
Great.  It was going to be one of those visits.

The End of the Affair.

God, he couldn't even look at her.  It had started off innocently enough.  She worked at Starbucks.  She made a joke about the size of his Americano.  She liked it rough in bed.  Why did he always go for the ones he didn't have to respect?

Nature vs. Nurture.

He could never admit to anyone that he still thought of the bear sometimes, and always right in the middle of sex with Debbie.  

Saturday, November 22, 2008

One Protein Scoop Over the Line.

"You know, it's the funniest thing-- after Paul puked up his Tingleberry Smoothie all over my chest and face, he like really started to open up.  About his cousin's suicide.  His fears of testicular cancer.  His crippling childhood abuse...  Anyway, long-story-short: that's why I like to say, Tingleberry's why we got married!  Ah-hahahahaha!!"

"We Told Her We'd Stop Whenever She Said So."

This was NOT how their office holiday party was supposed to end.  Not again.

Pride in Aleutians.

He didn't give a goddamn about the "Lower 48ers" and their f-ing election.  Never had, never would.  He was gonna be there.  At the airport.  When the Governor's plane landed.  He was gonna be there to shake her hand.

The Kraken Wears Prada.

"Well, I guess this means you're finally starting to get it," he sneered.  "I mean, how many times do we have to go over this, Perseus?  Look, I know you're new here, but, I have to say, seriously, honestly, no really, I'm sorry, but how hard could it possibly be to procure a Gorgon's head?  It's a simple request.  Twice a week.  And that's really all I ask of you, isn't it?"

The Long Goodbye.

We've come this far together, thought Pimba, as she held Colonel Feathersworth one last time.  They'd followed the powerlines North until they reached the city.  But they both knew Pimba had to go it alone now.  He'd only slow her down.  

...damn it all, she'd make it to Hollywood for both of them.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

The Rainbow Connection.

Was this really the best way Uncle Chuck could think of to teach them about the Water Cycle?  Timmy didn't think so, but he was just too polite to interrupt.

It's All For You, Natalya.

Dr. Arbogast had a good point: her 8th birthday probably wasn't anything like she was remembering it.  Well shit, thought Natalya.  If I made that up, what the hell else was a total lie?

You Guys Are Like My Total Best Friends Ever.

Mitzy and Puffin looked at each other.  Neither one said a word.  But let's get real:  it was never going to be their turn to jump rope.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Give Me One Moment in Time.

After all they'd been through together, all the memories, they each swore they'd keep in touch after Beijing. But. Well. Even Huang Fu didn't really believe it would happen.

Raisin' McCain.

It was a lesson Little John learned early back on the family compound: the slower the creature, the quicker they fell for sweet, sweet bait-meat. And lynchings. That too.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Meanwhile, At Stately Wayne Manor.

Bruce caught his reflection in a mirror on the way out the door.  How many nights? he thought to himself.  How many motherpuggin' nights does it take to clean up this town?

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Night of the Gerber.

They tried to clear their minds but it was too late.  Gozer had already chosen the form the Wall Street Crisis would take.

They'll All Laugh at You.

Frankly, Nibbles didn't care one bit for their "joke," or the pointing or the cruel sound of their laughter. These people were supposed to be his friends, but if this is what they thought of him... well then he'd just leave the party right now. To hell with them all. He didn't need them. He didn't need anybody.

Jump. For My Love.

Eventually Amanda gave in.  If she was going to be Mrs. Copperfield from now on, she was going to have to get used to the way David lived.

Special Wants.

With the American economy finally "taken care of," Keiko and Julie knew it was time to finally go public and announce the birth of their unholy reign of terror.

This IS My Good Side.

Facebook had taught Wayne a cruel lesson.  There was just no way to fake a "candid" self-pic.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

The Banana Prophecies.

Later, TimTam was terrified to discover that no one else had even seen the banana talking to him. Well, he wasn't crazy. The things the banana said were crazy. But he wasn't crazy.

Smallest Pox.

In retrospect, not washing his hands after handling the Smurf had been a very, very, very, very, very stupid choice.

I Never Did Forget What You Told Me.

During a lull in the party, O'Brien allowed himself just one quick glance. Anything more than that would have broken his heart. Sure, everyone loved the cheesy movie, but that's only because they didn't know what it was really like. Because they hadn't had to live through it.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Fawn of the Dead.

The split-second before Bambi and Anti-Bambi touched noses, Professor Garret thought: Oh God. Oh God, no, wait, what was I thinking? What have I done?! But by then it was too late.

The chain reaction had already started.


Let's just say that there was such a thing as Pride. And then maybe... too much Pride. And then? Then there was Frank and his onesie.

He Said He Loved My Personality.

It was nice being popular for once. Tammy had always wanted to know what it was like to be noticed by boys. Well, now she knew.

Spoiler Alert: He Never Paid The Rent He Owed.

[Sigh.] "Naw, dude, I was gonna hit the bank this morning but, like, you know, I woulda had to get up at like 9... and like shower and get ready... I just wasn't feelin it, man. But I'll totally get you the rent check by like tomorrow at the latest. No worries. I just like-- like honestly? I just need like a day to myself, you know? I got a lot on my plate right now. Shit's crazy."

Always Chew Your Food.

Maryanne tried to play it off and quickly get into the water before Paul could notice that she'd actually pooped herself by accident while laughing at his joke.

Judgement Dayjob.

John Connor reloaded and threw himself behind the nearest filing cabinet. Even here, he thought. Even here at a temp job, they can still find me. What if he couldn't stop this one?

The Not-so-Secret Garden.

The worst part was that none of the students felt like they understood puberty any better than when she'd started the impromptu Sex Ed lesson.

Monday, June 30, 2008

The Wrong Part of Town.

Why, this wasn't Gumdrop Avenue at all! Oh dear, I've taken the wrong bus! thought Cecil, nervously noticing how late in the day it had gotten ... and that this was not a very teddy-friendly neighborhood.

You Can Take a Shower If You Want.

You know what--? For once in her life, fuck what people thought. Fuck social embarrassment. Fuck what her parents would say. That was the single best orgasm she'd ever had. That alone was worth a second date.

I Can Stop Any Time I Want.

His wife wouldn't get the call for another few hours.

Three Days From Retirement.

All the message said was, "North Stairwell. 2:15PM. Come alone." If he'd known it was a set-up, he never would have shown up. Elmo had gone rogue months ago, living off-the-grid, and now suddenly he was back? Well forget it. Whatever he wanted now could get them both killed.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

"I'm Doing an Independent Major."

Halfway through her two-hour-long BFA thesis performance piece, it suddenly hit Chloe like a ton of bricks: this was the last FOUR YEARS of my life?!

He Ain't Kiwi. He's My Brother.

"Wait wait wait. What are you saying, Doctor? You're saying we're not biological brothers? You're telling me our mother lied to us for 34 years? Is that what you're trying to say? I'll have your license revoked, you fuckin quack! Come on, Teddy, we're leaving. Now."

Friday, June 27, 2008

Your Friday Moment of Un-DreadWhimsy.

When you slid open the patio door, you were surprised to find no noise at all outside, and for the first time in months, you thought to yourself, Everything's going to be just fine.

The Connor Party.

The children were horrified and astonished by what they saw. The other clowns they'd lured into the forest had been so easy to kill.

The Day Culture Arrived in Spooner Gulch, CO.

"Top of the morning! I'm here about the position at the schoolhouse. Now I may not look like much and I may not be Ivy League educated. But I'll tell you something right now: I've taught my way clear across these Great Plains from Libertyville to Saltrock, and I'm here to do the same for you good folks if you'll find it in your hearts to give me a shot. Whaddaya say?"

In Your Grocier's Freezer.

The Ravioli looked at the newly arrived packs of Tortellini.  Yes, it thought.  The pasta was growing stronger by the day, the more of it they stocked.  And this was the proof.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Now You're Playing With Power!

Gunther was prepared to wage galactic warfare on anything and anyone-- except the one thing Nintendo could not defend him against: pre-teen diabetes.


Ling-Ling didn't recognize Chris Hanson, nor had he ever seen "To Catch a Predator." He just knew he was fucked.

Silence = Death. Meows = Love.

They stitched through the night, sharing their favorite stories and going through bottle after bottle of Chardonnay.  Tom's patch would be the best in the entire quilt, and if Jerry refused to show up?  Well that hardly surprised anyone.  No doubt Jerry was back to cruising the bars, pretending the whole thing had never happened.

Unfair-a Faucet.

God, this guy's really let himself go.  I mean, I've heard of a muffin top, but that shit's like a bundt cake served on an ass-platter.  Enough.  Stop soaping yourself up down there.  It ain't gettin any cleaner, trust me.  Ugh.  He's got that nipple hair thing, like they're wearing false eyelashes and they're winkin at me.  Disgusting.  No, don't bend over.  Don't bend over.  Don't bend over.  Don't-- ahhhhhh.  You had to bend over.  Wow, look at that fat crack, like the Mariana Trench.  It's a wonder anything makes it out of that rat's nest.  I wonder when anyone's going to notice this hair-clog in my throat.  God, what I wouldn't give for a pint of Drano.

Faster, Pussycat, Shill, Shill.

After things in Gotham City went sour, it got harder and harder for her to make ends meet. Sure, it lacked the glamour of crime, but it had a quiet dignity. She believed that. No, honestly, she did.

Lego My Hand.

"I mean, I married Warren because he was so predictable. We just fit together, you know? But now, it's like, it's like-- even the sight of him coming home with that fucking little grin plastered on his face makes me want to puke. The problem is that he respects me, Amber: he respects me so much I can't leave him."

Ruxpin Redux

As he cocked the shotgun with the last round of ammo left, Dirk realized what a stupid mistake it had been to order the toy online.

Quarter-life Crisis.

Another lunch break lost in thought and regret. Who was he anymore? He'd given up feeling shame a long time ago, but God help him if his parents ever found out. [Sigh.] Jesus, he sure could use a cigarette right about now.

Darth Nancy.

Gertie blamed their parents for how Darth turned out. Maybe she could have said something, but she was just a kid. And once that damage is done, you never really recover. Not really.

Rainbow, Bright. Doom, Dark.

No one ever guessed the alien Apocalypse would be so pretty and fun! Everyone ran outside dancing and clapping with delight... and were vaporized before the smiles even left their faces.