Friday, March 27, 2009

You've Changed, Man.

Why should he feel guilty? A solo career had been the plan all along, and he'd always been the one with star power. Gunther just did what anybody with artistic balls would do: he packed up his accordian and signed with Atlantic. Fuck 'em.

Tell Me What You Told Me That Night on the Beach.

It was true what they said: real Love wasn't anything like a Hollywood movie. Real Love was in quiet moments between lovers. And in whispered promises. And stolen caresses.

21 Jump Street: The Next Generation.

Agent Scagget had blended seamlessly into the Lincoln High junior class, but now, nine months in, he faced a nark's worst dilemma: these kids weren't just meth-heads to him anymore. God dammit, they were his best friends.

Pearls Before Swine.

Well, you know what? She wouldn't give them their money back. Bernie may have conned away billions, but his greatest Ponzi scheme had been stealing her heart. $100 million wasn't so much to ask for in return, now was it?

"Well. If the Girls Want to See It, I Guess..."

It was the kind of party trick he only did if somebody asked him to, and somebody always asked him to. One thing was for sure, Bixby never went home alone.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

He Can't See You If You Stand Still.

Polly and Kailey had narrowed it down to American Cheese slices.  Screw Jinny Metzler's appendix in a jar.  This was going to be the best Show-and-Tell ever.

The Big Tit Grab.

Anywhere else it might have simply been tasteless fun, but here in the chemo ward waiting room?  Really?  Still... thought Dora, fishing for a quarter.

The Guilt-Giving Tree.

"Hey Janey. I really wish you didn't smoke weed. You're not the same when you smoke, and... and I miss my friend. I'll be outside. Actually... actually I guess I'll be right here."

Fight the Future.

Obama was horrified by the CIA report but hardly surprised. They'd all known it was only a matter of time until the Chinese went psycho-kinetic.
"Get me Professor Charles Xavier."
"Ummm... Sir, I don't think he's actually--"

"You-- You Wanna Talk About It? ...Buddy?"

The town council had hoped the new campaign of Fiddle-Fudge the Anti-Depressant Gnome would help stop the rash of recent suicides, but inexplicably, it had the opposite effect.

Monday, March 23, 2009

"I Got It Used on Amazon."

No one had warned Eric that X-Files 2: I Want to Believe sucked so badly that even opening the DVD case could destroy them all.

Just Like Old Times.

Gertie didn't come out until after college, but she was pretty sure they'd known all along.

In This New Global Candy-conomy.

Lord Licorice couldn't help but worry-- what with those goddamn commie Gummies next door and their endless supply of cheap factory labor.
Outsourcing and tax breaks... Thank you, Queen Frostine.
Thanks a bunch.

Credit Crunchy.

He'd always accepted his role as "the silent partner," checking in from time-to-time from his private island in the Azores. 
But now someone had gone and fucked that up.  
Now it was his name on the line.
...Time to clean house at Bear Sterns.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Have You Seen The Kids?

Somewhere around 3am, about the time Timmy and Jimmy lost feeling in their hands and feet, they realized the fort was anything but.

Cat's Eye.

The humans could not be trusted.  This much was certain.  Perhaps in time-- with proper discipline and grooming-- they could be offered their freedom back.  
But for now, Tanzy would treat them as he saw fit.

One To Watch.

New York Times Review -- "What's notable about NBC's dark reboot of 'Harry and the Hendersons' is how the series manages to transcend genre, offering a frank and often brutal portrait of the true cost of American wealth.  Disturbing, gritty, heartfelt, with the kind of moral compass rarely found on network television anymore."

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Love in the Time of Spatial Distortion.

He didn't date someone trans-dimensional to be political. You think he'd really put his family through all that just for some sexual kink? No. Their love was real.
She wasn't "trans" to him. 
She was just Shelley.

"I Said HARDER. Are You Fucking DEAF Too?"

Suri had already burned through three other masseurs. They all knew what to expect: she'd gossip viciously the entire hour and then "forget" to tip on her way out.
But Heinrick wasn't in a position to complain. 
What with Mama in hospice.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

What Have You Done? What Have You DONE?!

The sacred and profane pieces of the Grimoire, Necronomicon of the Damned, had been united at last. The thunderclap was deafening. The time of the Blood Reckoning was nigh.

Children of the Cul-de-Sac.

This... secret club of the neighborhood children had been adorable at first, then mildly irritating as the weeks dragged on. But when the second babysitter went missing, the parents all agreed: it was time to put a stop to it. Before the police found out.

In the Matter of the Matterhorn.

"Grak love baby! Grak no let Child Services take baby away!"
It was clear to Ms. Primm that her clerical error had resulted in a quite impossible situation. She politely excused herself from the living room to place a call to the central office.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Subcontinent Subconscious.

Even as Prime Minister of India, she couldn't really justify the nuclear strike on Britain, but never mind.  Because somewhere deep inside Roopali was that vengeful little girl with the utterly perfect reason she would never confess.

Be Our Guest. Or Else.

There was nothing enchanted about growing up in that castle-- why didn't anyone get that? To this day, he could still hear that fucking clock's shrill, campy voice screeching, "Well! Somebody's up past their bed-time!"

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Go Now.

Daffy still remembered that first date, when they'd laughed and laughed about the fish they both ordered. Looking back, those early days seemed to be a lot of laughs. But life had caught up with them. There was nothing funny about saying goodbye.

Brother, Can You Spare a Seal Pup?

Noonka missed the icy silence of the North. He'd come to LA full of hope for an acting career, but apparently CGI had robbed him of that. He never even made eye contact anymore.

Spongebob Suddendeath.

The press boys at Nickelodeon had spent the last year covering up Bob's heroin use. How on Earth were they going to spin this?

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Sanctity of Marriage.

Katsumi expected to be shunned, even punished for the shame of his adultery and divorce. But he never expected The Atonement of the Cage of the Hail of the Crimson Balls.
That was just an old wives' tale ...wasn't it?
No one had done that for centuries.

Fox on Fox News.

There was no going back from this. He knew it, and he didn't care. They made me what I am. Well, who was running now, Dr. Fendelbaum? Huh? Who's. Running. Now.

How Low Can You Limbaugh?

Oh, folks 'round here were used to the sight. Why, he was their favorite little local fixture, bless his heart. 'Fact, folks even had a sayin back then. They'd say: "Well. Ya Can't Rush Rush."