Monday, June 30, 2008

The Wrong Part of Town.

Why, this wasn't Gumdrop Avenue at all! Oh dear, I've taken the wrong bus! thought Cecil, nervously noticing how late in the day it had gotten ... and that this was not a very teddy-friendly neighborhood.

You Can Take a Shower If You Want.

You know what--? For once in her life, fuck what people thought. Fuck social embarrassment. Fuck what her parents would say. That was the single best orgasm she'd ever had. That alone was worth a second date.

I Can Stop Any Time I Want.

His wife wouldn't get the call for another few hours.

Three Days From Retirement.

All the message said was, "North Stairwell. 2:15PM. Come alone." If he'd known it was a set-up, he never would have shown up. Elmo had gone rogue months ago, living off-the-grid, and now suddenly he was back? Well forget it. Whatever he wanted now could get them both killed.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

"I'm Doing an Independent Major."

Halfway through her two-hour-long BFA thesis performance piece, it suddenly hit Chloe like a ton of bricks: this was the last FOUR YEARS of my life?!

He Ain't Kiwi. He's My Brother.

"Wait wait wait. What are you saying, Doctor? You're saying we're not biological brothers? You're telling me our mother lied to us for 34 years? Is that what you're trying to say? I'll have your license revoked, you fuckin quack! Come on, Teddy, we're leaving. Now."

Friday, June 27, 2008

Your Friday Moment of Un-DreadWhimsy.

When you slid open the patio door, you were surprised to find no noise at all outside, and for the first time in months, you thought to yourself, Everything's going to be just fine.

The Connor Party.

The children were horrified and astonished by what they saw. The other clowns they'd lured into the forest had been so easy to kill.

The Day Culture Arrived in Spooner Gulch, CO.

"Top of the morning! I'm here about the position at the schoolhouse. Now I may not look like much and I may not be Ivy League educated. But I'll tell you something right now: I've taught my way clear across these Great Plains from Libertyville to Saltrock, and I'm here to do the same for you good folks if you'll find it in your hearts to give me a shot. Whaddaya say?"

In Your Grocier's Freezer.

The Ravioli looked at the newly arrived packs of Tortellini.  Yes, it thought.  The pasta was growing stronger by the day, the more of it they stocked.  And this was the proof.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Now You're Playing With Power!

Gunther was prepared to wage galactic warfare on anything and anyone-- except the one thing Nintendo could not defend him against: pre-teen diabetes.


Ling-Ling didn't recognize Chris Hanson, nor had he ever seen "To Catch a Predator." He just knew he was fucked.

Silence = Death. Meows = Love.

They stitched through the night, sharing their favorite stories and going through bottle after bottle of Chardonnay.  Tom's patch would be the best in the entire quilt, and if Jerry refused to show up?  Well that hardly surprised anyone.  No doubt Jerry was back to cruising the bars, pretending the whole thing had never happened.

Unfair-a Faucet.

God, this guy's really let himself go.  I mean, I've heard of a muffin top, but that shit's like a bundt cake served on an ass-platter.  Enough.  Stop soaping yourself up down there.  It ain't gettin any cleaner, trust me.  Ugh.  He's got that nipple hair thing, like they're wearing false eyelashes and they're winkin at me.  Disgusting.  No, don't bend over.  Don't bend over.  Don't bend over.  Don't-- ahhhhhh.  You had to bend over.  Wow, look at that fat crack, like the Mariana Trench.  It's a wonder anything makes it out of that rat's nest.  I wonder when anyone's going to notice this hair-clog in my throat.  God, what I wouldn't give for a pint of Drano.

Faster, Pussycat, Shill, Shill.

After things in Gotham City went sour, it got harder and harder for her to make ends meet. Sure, it lacked the glamour of crime, but it had a quiet dignity. She believed that. No, honestly, she did.

Lego My Hand.

"I mean, I married Warren because he was so predictable. We just fit together, you know? But now, it's like, it's like-- even the sight of him coming home with that fucking little grin plastered on his face makes me want to puke. The problem is that he respects me, Amber: he respects me so much I can't leave him."

Ruxpin Redux

As he cocked the shotgun with the last round of ammo left, Dirk realized what a stupid mistake it had been to order the toy online.

Quarter-life Crisis.

Another lunch break lost in thought and regret. Who was he anymore? He'd given up feeling shame a long time ago, but God help him if his parents ever found out. [Sigh.] Jesus, he sure could use a cigarette right about now.

Darth Nancy.

Gertie blamed their parents for how Darth turned out. Maybe she could have said something, but she was just a kid. And once that damage is done, you never really recover. Not really.

Rainbow, Bright. Doom, Dark.

No one ever guessed the alien Apocalypse would be so pretty and fun! Everyone ran outside dancing and clapping with delight... and were vaporized before the smiles even left their faces.

The Hoofening.

These human children were so plump and stupid. He knew before they even had a chance to warn their elders, it would be over. For little did they know: the Hour of the Horse was now at hand...

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Paps Smurf

Smurfette had sensed there was something off about the high-rise condominium ever since she'd moved in. You're just being silly, Blue, she told herself, slipping off the silk robe and walking naked to the kitchen. No one's watching you.

Kitty Can't Play Today.

Hortence brought Miss Tibbens in from the yard. She'd had too, too much sun for one day, but a nice cool saucer of milk and she'd be ready for their afternoon tea party.

That's when Hortence's mother started screaming. And didn't stop.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Strife Begins at Conception.

Barbie stared at herself in the filthy Motel Six bathroom mirror. Fucking Ken... Mr. I-Don't-Like-to-Wear-a-Condom. Looks like you don't like to pay for your own mistakes either, she thought bitterly. Well maybe tomorrow she'd just "get it to go" and mail it "return to sender." We'll see how funny he finds that.

I Let It Get Bigger Than Big.

(V.O.) : "In a city of 8 million, with so many single girls looking for love and not finding it, I had to wonder... Is it a Dog Eat Dog Dating Pool?"

A Whiter Shade of Dead.

Frosty heard what the Groundhog said, and the Groundhog was never wrong. But he wasn't going to wait the extra six weeks. He'd end it now, while he was still on top. On his terms.

My Two Dads.

It wasn't until years later in aggressive therapy that Lucy even realized she'd had an abnormal childhood living with Uncle Zanzibar and his roommate Sylvester Snivelbottom.

Finger-Licking Bad.

"The places I've gone... the-- the things I've been made to touch, Susan... oh God, I feel sick. Sick! I'll never be clean again. DON'T TOUCH ME! Oh, God, I can't-- I can't even look at myself in the mirror!"

Candyland Confidential.

After the screaming stopped, they stared at each other in a stunned, shocked silence. They had no choice-- they couldn't have let him go to Lord Licorice with those photographs, but now look what they'd done! My God, they were murderers. His gummy was on all their hands.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

At the Kennel-Owners Association Meeting.

Once the chatter died down, Edwina cleared her throat and made herself heard:  "Well.  I don't know how you all feel about it," she said icily, "but frankly, I don't care much for the thought of those breeds of dog moving into the kennel beside mine."  She was only saying what they were all thinking.

Summertime... and the Killing is Easy.

He'd glimpsed the future of Summertime: "...the children... my God... the children... th-th-the horror!!! YOG-SOTHOTH!!! AAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

Meow Mix.

"This place is busted." 
"Totes busted." 
"I don't give a shizz about these hater bitches, yo. I came to get down." 
"That catnip was craaaazy, son!" 
"I told you, I got a guy in the Valley." 
"In the Valley! I got a guy in the Valley!" 
"These clowns can't even handle my moves, son." 
"Naw, this place is busted, yo."

"The Modem of Christ Compels You!"

After what she saw Tuesday night, Lauren let her stepdaughter go online for just as long as she wanted.  Anything to keep Shiloh from getting angry again.  Anything but that.

Friday, June 20, 2008

Care Bares.

It only took one of them to start it off, and then the annual teddy bears' picnic got a whole lot more interesting.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

You Can't Get Pregnant the First Time, Baby.

The stupid corsage.  The limo rental.  The peach Schnapps. She was gonna molt for him tonight or she could walk her ass home from Prom.

Mary Poppins Reboot, Directed by Neil LaBute.

"That'll be quite enough of that," Michael said, giving her a quick, sharp lick of his hand.  "If I say I'm to have a gin-and-tonic served promptly at 5, Mary, that's the way it's to be.  Perhaps you didn't read that part of the letter we sent up the chimney."

Babysitting Ruth?

She could already smell the kid from the front door, like wet cabbage.  Oh great, Heather thought, nobody told me it was going to be one those babysitting gigs.

Mother of Invention.

Grandma was never the same after the stroke.

Friday, 7:48 PM

Wally sighed and looked at the wall clock again.  It was still early.  He could still go out.  I mean, really, what good's a paycheck with no one to spend it on?

The Parent Trap.

That last couple hadn't really lived up to Freddie's expectations. This time he'd do better.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Mommy Nearest.

If she'd just turn around, he'd call out to her. He knew in his heart that even after all these years, if she just looked at him, she'd recognize her own son. If she'd just turn around.

Ain't Nothing But a G-Rated-Thing, Baaaby.

Nana had two choices. Either way, the diaper was getting changed.

Cock and Balls.

If Brewster thought he was above playing dirty, that rooster was about to get himself schooled. Monty was pure Brazilian cock. And this right here was his barnyard ball game, son.

The Smell of Asparagus.

Note to Self: Do NOT drink the tap water in Silverlake.

Chicken of the Sea.

Catching crabs from that frat boy over Spring Break in Cabo was SO much worse than Pheobe had ever expected. SO much worse.

Schnauzer's List.

Three illegitimate kids, avoiding child-support payments, the endless parade of cheap STD-heavy one-night-stands... Rex had seen enough. It was time Kirk McDowell was neutered for the good of humanity.

Monday, June 16, 2008

The People vs. Big Toy Corporation.

Was it a coincidence that Barney's dad was a lawyer? Was it a coincidence that he'd sent his son to play in the park that day? Was it a coincidence that Barney's dad needed to win a case?

My, What Sharp Childhood Neuroses You Have.

Dr. Goldenblatt promised Cindy that the thing under the bed was just a "deep-seated projection of her anger about her parents' divorce." Well, that was all fine, but it still didn't answer why it sang to her at night about the sweet sweet taste of puppy flesh.

Ho! Ho! Lunch break.

There were times for Frank Rafferty when the simple joy of a child's Christmas laughter compensated for minimum wage. This was not one of those times.

Oh Make Me Over.

This school year things were gonna be different, starting with his phunky-phresh new look.  So goodbye, Marty Finkel, eighth grade loser. Hello, DJ Doughboy Smoov.