Wednesday, July 29, 2009

DreadWhimsy Jukebox.

Helen's Theme.
Candyman Suite, Philip Glass [1992]
[as performed by givemetime123]

Prisoners of the Village.

It was a trick.
Santa had let them escape, let them make it to a payphone.
A payphone that dialed only one number.
And, let's just say, it wasn't the ACLU.

He's Famous For Them.

He didn't even really want to go.
But it was Denny's annual "4th of July Get-2-Gether."
And Felix knew what they all expected.
He was the guy that brought the vodka-melon.
That was his "thing."

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

DreadWhimsy Jukebox.

Waterloo Sunset.
Something Else, The Kinks [1967]

In the Criminal Justice System...

DeSanto had a tough stomach for this kind of thing.
You didn't last 25 years in Special Victims Unit bein' soft.
But it was shit like this... he thought, staring at the evidence.
I mean... what kind of God would allow this perversion?

Not a Cub, Not Yet a CareBear.

They were all, You can't tell us what to do.
And their Dad was like, I can if you expect that trust fund to keep coming.
And they were like, Yo, we can make money any time we want, old man. A'ight?!

Teddy on 42nd Street.

Ruxpin never did make the switchover to CDs and MP3's and whatever-the-hell-else the kids were using these days.
But if you happened to have a spare sandwich...
He still had one more story to share.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

DreadWhimsy Jukebox.

Everything I Own.
Baby I'm-A Want You, David Gates (1972)

Friday, July 24, 2009

A Woman Taken By the Wind.

Two things were ruined that afternoon.
The family reunion picnic, and any shred of Aunt Donna's dignity.

He's a... Small Blunder.

Wendell didn't mind ripping them open because he didn't really think of them as, well, you know, Alive.
But these new models...
It wouldn't be so bad if they didn't stare while you did it.
It wouldn't be so bad if they didn't sing quietly.

It's Not Rude, It's a City Thing.

Erik had lived in New York long enough to know.
Best thing to do was just ignore gang members on the subway.
Don't even make eye contact, man.
You can't give them any excuse.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

DreadWhimsy Jukebox.

Both Sides Now.
Clouds, Joni Mitchell (1969)
[as performed by the beautiful Hiromi Ohta]

Lady Figginwop's Illustrious Device.

After years of trial-and-error tinkering, Cecilia had finally perfected her "Auto-Gyno Lady's Home Invigorator."
Naturally, she mustn't let Henry learn its true purpose, lest he feel replaced.

"I Can Hear Them. In My Head."

Brewster cocked the shot-gun.
He looked at Lizzie. Only one shell left.
Not even enough to take care of themselves.
"Close your eyes, baby," he whispered. "It'll be over soon."

He's What They Call a Power Bottom.

Later, he'd feel so low he wanted to die, but while the Meth was coursing through his veins, Kermit begged for more, more, more.
It didn't matter who.
He just needed to feel something. Anything.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

DreadWhimsy Jukebox.

There's a Kind of Hush.
Herman's Hermits (1967)

DreadVid: In Search Of... Oak Island Money Pit.

Fancy a treasure hunt, my minions? Let us away then, you and I, to Oak Island, near Nova Scotia, where treasure hunters have been digging into a mysterious pit for 200 years. Lives have been lost, fortunes have been squandered, but the Money Pit will not give up its secret.

Consult the map at your peril, as Mr. Leonard Nimoy tells us a story...

Being Mecha in America.

"Let it go, Giga. They're not worth it."
"Nobody calls me that. That's our word."
"I know, man, I know... but fuck em, let it go."
"What do you mean by 'man?' I'm not a human, Daniel--"
"No, I'm sorry, I didn't mean--"
"God, you're no better than they are. With your humanocentric terms. Fuckin' robophobe. Get your hands off me! I'm outta here, Man..."
"Giga... Giga, come on..."

"It's Me. Timmy. Your Grandson."

After the stroke, Grandpa was still fun to be around.
It just... it just wasn't the same PeePaw they'd known growing up, that's all.
Something in his eyes had been lost forever.

Baguette is French For Bagel.

He could feel their eyes on him.
There was nothing worse than being that "Ugly American" abroad.
The best he could do was learn a few helpful French words and try to blend in.

Did You Remember to Pack My Pills?

Sigh... fine, look, whatever, if they had to go to a foreign country just to vacation as a couple, so be it.
He wasn't about being edgy or "activist."
He just wanted to go someplace where Justine wouldn't be so fuckin self-conscious about public displays of affection.
You know what she was like.

DreadWiki: Horror of the Beanie Babies.

Witness the horror of Sawney Bean, monstrous cannibal of 15th century Scotland. He lived with his incestuous brood of "Beanie babies" in a deep tidal cave, emerging to kidnap travellers on nearby roads, dragging them back into the caves to feed the 46 family members inside.

Their perverse reign of terror only ended when King James VI of Scotland led "a manhunt with a team of 400 men and several bloodhounds, soon finding the Beans' previously overlooked cave in Bannane Head. The cave was rife with human remains, having been the scene of hundreds of murders and cannibalistic acts."

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

DreadWhimsy Jukebox.

Windowlicker, Aphex Twin (1999)

Here, Take My Room Key.

Two guys at once had always been a secret fantasy of Heather's.
And anyway, I mean whatever, this was Cancun, wasn't it?
They came here to get crazy, didn't they?
God, stop being such a little Mormon goody-good, Bekka.

You Only Call When You Need Something.

Hey, no one said their friendship was healthy, but you know what?
Frank had been his best friend since Freshman year dorm.
His only friend-- when no one else would even talk to Nibbles.
So if he needed one more drink to dull the pain of the divorce... then line it up.

Monday, July 13, 2009

DreadWiki: Burke & Hare, the Resurrectionists.

Behold, my minions, the dark and hideous reign of the Resurrection Men of Glasgow, Scotland. [Winter, 1827 - Winter 1828]
"As medical science began to flourish in the early 19th century, demand [for cadavers] rose sharply, but at the same time, the only legal supply of cadavers—the bodies of executed criminals—had fallen due to a sharp reduction in the execution rate... William Burke and William Hare... sold the corpses of their 17 victims to the Edinburgh Medical College for dissection..."
[artwork: Adam Ford]
Upon his execution, William Burke's cadaver was publicly dissected at the Edinburgh Medical College and his tanned skin was used to bind a book, still on display...

DreadVid: The Real Amityville Horror.

"It is probably one of the most haunted homes in the world. It's certainly one of the most publicized haunted homes."
-- Lorraine Warren, Paranormal Investigator.

"They produced a beautiful, commercial scam."
-- William Weber, DeFeo Family attorney.

Acquired Tastes.

The more bored Richie Rich became, the more dangerous.
And now that he had a taste for human flesh, no one was safe.
The price of human testicles was high.
The price of denying Richie his favorite snack was higher.

A Matter of Homeland Security.

Minninnewah and Kuckunniwi were master craftsmen.
Their pale-faced android was flawless.
He would infiltrate the White Man's Congress seemlessly.
And then, at the perfect moment, they'd detonate the torso-bomb.

Boycotts Are For Quitters.

Mary-Anne sighed, satisfied.
She was sure David Letterman would follow her suggestions.
And if he didn't, well, then, she'd just keep sending strongly-worded letters.
And if that didn't work, well, then, she'd just reach out to her women's militia group and have his people killed.
Simple as that.

Friday, July 10, 2009

DreadWhimsy Jukebox.

She's Not There.
Begin Here, The Zombies (1964)

The Day the Earth Stared Awkwardly.

A ripple of giggles ran through the crowd around the UFO.
Filthy 'humans.' He would not stand such an insult!
They would come to fear his Holy Name, starting now.
"Tremble, Men of Earth! For I am Pubicon of Candypax!"

99 Problems But a Bitch Ain't One.

Frankly, she disgusted him.
If there was one thing he couldn't stand, it was clinginess.
You wanted to be his woman, you better get that straight.
That was just how Skeletor rolled.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

DreadWhimsy Jukebox.

Let It Be.
Let It Be, The Beatles (1970)
[As performed by Miloatsale's music box]

You Can Taste the Love in Every Bite.

It meant shutting down production, but what could Larry do?
Sure, he ran the processing plant, but it was a family-owned business.
And if Young Miss Meriwether-Smith insisted on kissing each and every lamb goodbye before they hit the slaughterhouse floor, so be it.

The Children Are Sleeping Now.

Well, what could Eleanor tell the other parents?
Ahtsy-Fahtsy was a world-renowned theatre clown.
He'd trained at the premier clowning academies.
She'd spent a small fortune to book him for Alicia's 4th birthday.
It wasn't her fault the kids reacted that way, was it?

Amnesty Unintentional.

When Ayumi heard about the City's plans to erect a statue in honor of the victims of human trafficking, she'd expected something with a little more... I don't know, dignity?

Things Better Left Unsaid.

Marcus slid the old photo back into Grandpapa's cigar box.
He'd keep the old man's secret. It was better that way.
But he'd never look him in the eye again.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Take Him Away and Have Him Drained.

All this "everything in moderation" toff was for the masses.
Save it for the pamphlets.
Truth was, when Ben saw something he wanted, he took it by force.
He was a damn vicious prick of a man and, by God, he liked it that way.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

DreadWhimsy Jukebox.

Chim Chim Cher-ee.
Mary Poppins, the Sherman Brothers. (1964)
[as performed by WS64.]

Her Whole Bollocks "Holiday Abroad" Idea.

No, this was bloody-well not how the Great Glass Elevator was meant to run. And if she'd just give him a sodding minute to find the intercom, he'd have Factory Security.
Honestly, you step off the tour two minutes to find a bloody toilet...

Nine Lives. All Public.

He'd fought to move up from cat food commercials for so long.
To be taken seriously as a dramatic lead.
And finally he got the call from Dick Wolf.
But all this press... had happened so fast.
WhiskeyMittens had hard lessons ahead.
Nothing was sacred to the paparazzi.

Friday, July 3, 2009

The Temporal Anomalies Started with the Goats.

No one seemed to want to talk about what was happening to the ranch.
Maybe no one else was even noticing.
What if no else is noticing, Garret?
How long you just gonna ignore the space-time distortions plaguing your family's farm?

"It's Okay, Polly, You're Remembering."

Their eyes locked in the moon-light.
The dog knew why she'd snuck out.
He seemed to shake his head. Tsk tsk tsk. 13 and smoking...
But in that second they also knew.
It was cool.
They were good.

Signs 2: More Signs.

"If you ask me, what I say happened to that Jenkins kid over in 27D...? That was a sign. No, I know. But what if it was a sign of her Ascension? No, I know. I'm just saying... what if it was only a demonstration... of Palin's true powers, Jake?"

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Transformers 3: Why We Fight.

Sure he still thought about Cybertron.
He'd had a life before all this... insanity, you know.
He'd had a job... a pretty decent studio apartment...
Man, what the hell have we become?
This endless, senseless war... I'm not even me anymore.

I, (Your Name), Promise To Do My Best.

The merit badge for Innuendo was one of the hardest to pull off.
Dicky knew he faced stiff competition from the other Webelos.
Don't worry. He took it in the end.
But only after Scout Master Johnson had fully drilled him on his oral exam.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

DreadWhimsy Jukebox.

Dance of the SugarPlum Fairies.
Nutracker Suite, Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky. (1892)
[performed on glass harp by Robert Tiso]