Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Fortune and Glory.

Deciphering the clues in the Codex Gorgona had brought them this far.
Wendell and Crispin could smell how close they were.
Here, somewhere in Rome... was the Bedpan of Mary Magdelene.

DreadVid: Awkward Cyber-Stalking Interview.

Monday, November 30, 2009

The Trigger Effect 2.

The wildfires had pushed Jenna to the breaking point.
"Civilization" was a myth.
"California" was a myth.
If it came down to it, some things were worth dying for.
Some things were worth killing for.

The Cold Hard Light of Monday.

The hard part was when your "dayjob" started to define you.
What was that liberal education even for?

Sunday, November 15, 2009

His Love is Real. He is Not.

"What did you expect to happen, Ken?!
You programmed it to care for humans.
Now it's taken a bride.
Look in the mirror. Who's the real monster here?"

DreadVid: Inappropriate Soundtrack.

The Matrix. The Carpenters.
[courtesy of the talented Boonehams]

Monday, August 31, 2009

Interruption of Dread.

Apologies to my minions for the slow-down in postings.
This "August" you speak of is a lethargic wasteland of the mind.

Your favorite professor has been working on new projects which shall be unleashed in due time. Fiendish, hideous gibberings to delight and unsettle.

In Due Sincerity,

Prof. Adrian DreadWhimsy

Thursday, August 20, 2009

"We Don't Have to Do Everything Together."

Mimi knew getting a roommate would be a bad idea.
Cheyenne stole all her best looks, let pretty much any guy sniff her butt.
It was a total Single White Poodle scenario.

Never Been Kissed.

As a policy, Verna and Abigail perhaps hadn't thought it out.
The men had called their bluff.
The winter nights in the womyn's commune would be long.

Let My Peoples Go.

The Proclamation had impressed no one.
It was clear to Abraham now what he must do:
"Abolish" the Confederacy single-handedly.
Lead slaves home.
Theatre by 8 o'clock.

Monday, August 17, 2009

"How Can I Turn Him In, Linda?"

It was the cocaine that changed Milton.
Turned him into the kind of bastard that could cook the books behind his own brother's back.
After you took him in, sobered him up.
Trusted him with your wife.
Lent him your car, your other car, and eventually your boat.

And This is Ernie From HR.

Angela warned the new girls again staying in the break room.
If you got trapped in there with Ernie...
Be ready to fend off his advances.
And he had a habit of being, well, let's call it "handsy."

All the News That's Fit to Print.

"The truth about post-Katrina New Orleans?"
Lenny Fitz leaned back in his chair.
"There's a reason folks don't talk about the aftermath."
25 years covering the City Beat and even he couldn't handle writing about the lawlessness he'd seen.

Friday, August 7, 2009

DreadWhimsy Jukebox: The Future Soon.

The Future Soon.
@ Bumpershoot, Jonathan Coulton [2007]

The Lion, the Witch and the Mortgage.

I mean, they were fine with Narnia most of the time.
Housing prices were good. Weather was decent...
It's just... not a whole lot of culture, you know?
Night life. Not a lot of high-end places to shop.

Have You Seen Her?

"Well it's starting to creep me out. Steve, he goes there every day.
Because that's where he proposed to her.
But you know something else? ...I'm starting to think maybe Tanya wasn't kidnapped by terrorists at all.
I think she just moved back to Portland."

I'm Sure It's Nothing.

Nick told himself what he'd seen in the park had been a trick of the light. Nothing more.
But within a fortnight he'd seen a dozen more of them.
All within a 5-block radius.
Why wasn't anyone talking about it?

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

DreadVid: Aleister Crowley.

Aleister Crowley, the Other Loch Ness Monster.
Crowley was known as "The Wickedest Man in the World," and the following documentary will give you a good indication of why.
How much would you need to be paid to spend a long cold Loch Ness night in the abandoned home of the dark lord?

"You're Not That Duck Anymore, Howard."

The repressed memory hit him like a ton of bricks.
Now he knew why he'd pushed himself so hard.
Why he'd always felt the need to prove himself worthy.
Dr. Kleinman could only hold Howard as he wept openly.

Game Over, Man!

It wasn't until Gilespie had gotten all his men into the copter that he noticed the problem.
His screams blended with the sound of rebel gunfire and the hard desert wind:
"God damn you, Halliburton!! God damn yooooooooou!!!"

Chicken of the Sea-Floor.

So what if Chloe had... like, New Age-y dietary issues?
I mean, he'd dated a Vegan before. How bad could it be?
He'd keep an open mind tonight when she made dinner.
...and then he'd get laid.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

DreadVid: If Walls Could Dream.

555 KUBIK - 3D Projection Art.

Art Direction: Daniel Rossa - www.rossarossa.de
3D Operator: David Starmann
Sound Design : Jonas Wiese

Assimilate This.

Captain Picard knew. He must follow the Borg back to the past.
Repair whatever damage they'd done.
The line must be drawn heeya.
This far. No further.

Vacation, All I Ever Wanted.

No, he wouldn't "behave" for the paparazzi.
They'd come all this way to get away from Hollywood.
From the Industry. From his sitcom.
More and more, their lives were just one big red carpet.

Thank You For Being a Friend.

For a while, things had been great, all of them living together in Miami.
Bunch of swingin senior bachelors. A line of ladies down the block.
But Terry was ready to move out and move on.
The guys would just have to deal.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

DreadWhimsy Jukebox.

Helen's Theme.
Candyman Suite, Philip Glass [1992]
[as performed by givemetime123]

Prisoners of the Village.

It was a trick.
Santa had let them escape, let them make it to a payphone.
A payphone that dialed only one number.
And, let's just say, it wasn't the ACLU.

He's Famous For Them.

He didn't even really want to go.
But it was Denny's annual "4th of July Get-2-Gether."
And Felix knew what they all expected.
He was the guy that brought the vodka-melon.
That was his "thing."

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

DreadWhimsy Jukebox.

Waterloo Sunset.
Something Else, The Kinks [1967]

In the Criminal Justice System...

DeSanto had a tough stomach for this kind of thing.
You didn't last 25 years in Special Victims Unit bein' soft.
But it was shit like this... he thought, staring at the evidence.
I mean... what kind of God would allow this perversion?

Not a Cub, Not Yet a CareBear.

They were all, You can't tell us what to do.
And their Dad was like, I can if you expect that trust fund to keep coming.
And they were like, Yo, we can make money any time we want, old man. A'ight?!

Teddy on 42nd Street.

Ruxpin never did make the switchover to CDs and MP3's and whatever-the-hell-else the kids were using these days.
But if you happened to have a spare sandwich...
He still had one more story to share.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

DreadWhimsy Jukebox.

Everything I Own.
Baby I'm-A Want You, David Gates (1972)

Friday, July 24, 2009

A Woman Taken By the Wind.

Two things were ruined that afternoon.
The family reunion picnic, and any shred of Aunt Donna's dignity.

He's a... Small Blunder.

Wendell didn't mind ripping them open because he didn't really think of them as, well, you know, Alive.
But these new models...
It wouldn't be so bad if they didn't stare while you did it.
It wouldn't be so bad if they didn't sing quietly.

It's Not Rude, It's a City Thing.

Erik had lived in New York long enough to know.
Best thing to do was just ignore gang members on the subway.
Don't even make eye contact, man.
You can't give them any excuse.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

DreadWhimsy Jukebox.

Both Sides Now.
Clouds, Joni Mitchell (1969)
[as performed by the beautiful Hiromi Ohta]

Lady Figginwop's Illustrious Device.

After years of trial-and-error tinkering, Cecilia had finally perfected her "Auto-Gyno Lady's Home Invigorator."
Naturally, she mustn't let Henry learn its true purpose, lest he feel replaced.

"I Can Hear Them. In My Head."

Brewster cocked the shot-gun.
He looked at Lizzie. Only one shell left.
Not even enough to take care of themselves.
"Close your eyes, baby," he whispered. "It'll be over soon."

He's What They Call a Power Bottom.

Later, he'd feel so low he wanted to die, but while the Meth was coursing through his veins, Kermit begged for more, more, more.
It didn't matter who.
He just needed to feel something. Anything.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

DreadWhimsy Jukebox.

There's a Kind of Hush.
Herman's Hermits (1967)

DreadVid: In Search Of... Oak Island Money Pit.

Fancy a treasure hunt, my minions? Let us away then, you and I, to Oak Island, near Nova Scotia, where treasure hunters have been digging into a mysterious pit for 200 years. Lives have been lost, fortunes have been squandered, but the Money Pit will not give up its secret.

Consult the map at your peril, as Mr. Leonard Nimoy tells us a story...

Being Mecha in America.

"Let it go, Giga. They're not worth it."
"Nobody calls me that. That's our word."
"I know, man, I know... but fuck em, let it go."
"What do you mean by 'man?' I'm not a human, Daniel--"
"No, I'm sorry, I didn't mean--"
"God, you're no better than they are. With your humanocentric terms. Fuckin' robophobe. Get your hands off me! I'm outta here, Man..."
"Giga... Giga, come on..."

"It's Me. Timmy. Your Grandson."

After the stroke, Grandpa was still fun to be around.
It just... it just wasn't the same PeePaw they'd known growing up, that's all.
Something in his eyes had been lost forever.

Baguette is French For Bagel.

He could feel their eyes on him.
There was nothing worse than being that "Ugly American" abroad.
The best he could do was learn a few helpful French words and try to blend in.

Did You Remember to Pack My Pills?

Sigh... fine, look, whatever, if they had to go to a foreign country just to vacation as a couple, so be it.
He wasn't about being edgy or "activist."
He just wanted to go someplace where Justine wouldn't be so fuckin self-conscious about public displays of affection.
You know what she was like.

DreadWiki: Horror of the Beanie Babies.

Witness the horror of Sawney Bean, monstrous cannibal of 15th century Scotland. He lived with his incestuous brood of "Beanie babies" in a deep tidal cave, emerging to kidnap travellers on nearby roads, dragging them back into the caves to feed the 46 family members inside.

Their perverse reign of terror only ended when King James VI of Scotland led "a manhunt with a team of 400 men and several bloodhounds, soon finding the Beans' previously overlooked cave in Bannane Head. The cave was rife with human remains, having been the scene of hundreds of murders and cannibalistic acts."

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

DreadWhimsy Jukebox.

Windowlicker, Aphex Twin (1999)

Here, Take My Room Key.

Two guys at once had always been a secret fantasy of Heather's.
And anyway, I mean whatever, this was Cancun, wasn't it?
They came here to get crazy, didn't they?
God, stop being such a little Mormon goody-good, Bekka.

You Only Call When You Need Something.

Hey, no one said their friendship was healthy, but you know what?
Frank had been his best friend since Freshman year dorm.
His only friend-- when no one else would even talk to Nibbles.
So if he needed one more drink to dull the pain of the divorce... then line it up.

Monday, July 13, 2009

DreadWiki: Burke & Hare, the Resurrectionists.

Behold, my minions, the dark and hideous reign of the Resurrection Men of Glasgow, Scotland. [Winter, 1827 - Winter 1828]
"As medical science began to flourish in the early 19th century, demand [for cadavers] rose sharply, but at the same time, the only legal supply of cadavers—the bodies of executed criminals—had fallen due to a sharp reduction in the execution rate... William Burke and William Hare... sold the corpses of their 17 victims to the Edinburgh Medical College for dissection..."
[artwork: Adam Ford]
Upon his execution, William Burke's cadaver was publicly dissected at the Edinburgh Medical College and his tanned skin was used to bind a book, still on display...

DreadVid: The Real Amityville Horror.

"It is probably one of the most haunted homes in the world. It's certainly one of the most publicized haunted homes."
-- Lorraine Warren, Paranormal Investigator.

"They produced a beautiful, commercial scam."
-- William Weber, DeFeo Family attorney.

Acquired Tastes.

The more bored Richie Rich became, the more dangerous.
And now that he had a taste for human flesh, no one was safe.
The price of human testicles was high.
The price of denying Richie his favorite snack was higher.

A Matter of Homeland Security.

Minninnewah and Kuckunniwi were master craftsmen.
Their pale-faced android was flawless.
He would infiltrate the White Man's Congress seemlessly.
And then, at the perfect moment, they'd detonate the torso-bomb.

Boycotts Are For Quitters.

Mary-Anne sighed, satisfied.
She was sure David Letterman would follow her suggestions.
And if he didn't, well, then, she'd just keep sending strongly-worded letters.
And if that didn't work, well, then, she'd just reach out to her women's militia group and have his people killed.
Simple as that.

Friday, July 10, 2009

DreadWhimsy Jukebox.

She's Not There.
Begin Here, The Zombies (1964)

The Day the Earth Stared Awkwardly.

A ripple of giggles ran through the crowd around the UFO.
Filthy 'humans.' He would not stand such an insult!
They would come to fear his Holy Name, starting now.
"Tremble, Men of Earth! For I am Pubicon of Candypax!"

99 Problems But a Bitch Ain't One.

Frankly, she disgusted him.
If there was one thing he couldn't stand, it was clinginess.
You wanted to be his woman, you better get that straight.
That was just how Skeletor rolled.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

DreadWhimsy Jukebox.

Let It Be.
Let It Be, The Beatles (1970)
[As performed by Miloatsale's music box]

You Can Taste the Love in Every Bite.

It meant shutting down production, but what could Larry do?
Sure, he ran the processing plant, but it was a family-owned business.
And if Young Miss Meriwether-Smith insisted on kissing each and every lamb goodbye before they hit the slaughterhouse floor, so be it.

The Children Are Sleeping Now.

Well, what could Eleanor tell the other parents?
Ahtsy-Fahtsy was a world-renowned theatre clown.
He'd trained at the premier clowning academies.
She'd spent a small fortune to book him for Alicia's 4th birthday.
It wasn't her fault the kids reacted that way, was it?

Amnesty Unintentional.

When Ayumi heard about the City's plans to erect a statue in honor of the victims of human trafficking, she'd expected something with a little more... I don't know, dignity?

Things Better Left Unsaid.

Marcus slid the old photo back into Grandpapa's cigar box.
He'd keep the old man's secret. It was better that way.
But he'd never look him in the eye again.