Torchsong of the South.

Now, as a custom, it had fallen by the wayside, it's true, but dag-nabbit, Sanders was gentleman, a colonel, and in his humble opinion, my good sir, every condemned man got a final smoke.

"Pocket Bestie." Coming This Fall.

And just when everybody had said the Scripted Sitcom was officially dead, CBS whipped one out and single-handedly re-invented the genre. And then, well, let's face it, after that, everything changed.

I'll Take a Leg, Thanks.

She never cooked. Baxter couldn't help but think she was trying to tell him something. Here we go. What, was it their anniversary or something? Well, you know what, Meredith? If there's something you want me to buy you, just come out and say it.

They Trust Me Inherently. Watch.

Silly as it sounded, maybe the worst part of being a paraplegic was having to tell the damn story over and over and over again.  

No.  He hadn't considered it foolish at the time.  Obviously.

The Prefect Killing Machine.

The damn Ruskies had taken the dormitories, the library, and the gymnasium in a matter of hours.  The teachers were dead.  His classmates were hostages.  But the Red Army hadn't counted on one thing, and that was seventh-grader, Garvey Tittle.

Schrodinger's Kitty Goes Kritical.

They'd already fed it half-a-dozen cheeseburgers and still it demanded more, more.  

"But-- but there aren't anymore," Eric said nervously.  "What now?"

The humming started low.  There would be no escaping the cat's rage.

Don't Bother Your Father Right Now.

You know what, he worked hard all week long. If Sandy couldn't keep those goddamn kids out of the goddamn bathroom for one hour on a Saturday so he could soak in the tub... well then he didn't know what.

Thank God Horizontals Were In This Season.

Andy knew just what part of the boardwalk the Chubby Chaser girls cruised. Aw hells yeah, it was gonna be one of those Friday nights.

Family Ties.

No one in the family would ever talk about it. If they could just talk about it-- maybe then Glenn would get over his issues about being adopted. I mean, they'd never treated him any differently.

Yeah No Go Ahead and Watch a Movie.

Sigh.  Eight hours to go and not a single goddamn thing left to say to each other.  Had they really hit Terry's infamous "6-Month Relationship Wall" already?  Ling checked the aisle.  Where was that stewardess with the salted nuts?

Gabriel Learns the Hard Way.

He'd heard it didn't hurt so much if you relaxed, and that if the guy loved you, he'd take it slow. These were both lies.

I'LL Show You Some Yellow Snow.

He'd need a stiff one if he was going to make it through yet another holiday season. I mean, every year it was different kids, but always the same old Frosty. Why didn't they get that it took its toll?

Code Name: The Mittens Initiative.

The next day the ammunitions factory exploded in a sudden blaze of shrapnel, killing the Nazis inside, who'd never even suspected.
The tide of the war had turned, and it was all thanks to the sacrifice of a single brave little Jewish kitten whom history forgot.

Outside Her DUMBO Apartment.

Cassandra had never thought much of the vengeful hate-filled secrets she'd whispered to the elephants that afternoon as a child. But now here they were. Years later. On her Brooklyn doorstep. They hadn't forgotten the plans she'd made. Had she?

When Lazlo Came to Play.

GUEST CO-WRITER: Jeffrey McCrann.
"Why, here I am, Dora. How silly of you to lock the door, you silly girl. I do hope my sportcoat isn't too garish for your mother's delicate sensibilities. It's what Sir CricketShanks himself suggested this very morning that I wear to mark the occasion of this, our 19th play-date..."

We HAVE Had an Adventure Today, Haven't We.

The hardest part for Lizabeth was faking relief when her plan failed. Harlan, ever the good sport, played along for both their sakes.

My Ticket Looks Like a W-2.

An animatronic rollercoaster ride through his slowing metabolism, thinning hair, and stagnant career wasn't part of the carnival Eddie was hoping for on his 30th birthday.

Do You Mind if Stanley Comes Too?

No, it wasn't the marriage she'd envisioned on their wedding day, but how could Marisa end it? Stanley needed her. He told her every day. If she could only get a moment's peace.

Contents Under Pressure.

There were no signs. None at all.
One week they were the perfect couple: college-bound, in love, committed to abstinence, church volunteers. The next week they were dead in a hail of police gunfire after a shooting spree that lasted 72 hellish hours.
My God, thought Commissioner Pyle. What could have possibly brought this on?

Aren't You Going to Say Something?

Everyone at the party looked up, then back at each other, silently rolling their eyes.  God.  What was it about Madison that made her try so hard?

Their Open Marriage.

Funny how they could both agree to the arrangement just to cover a fetish they both unknowingly shared.

Dude. Can You Erase That Off Your Phone?

It wasn't like Fritzy didn't like partying with Michael Phelps, it was just... well, he was applying for law school right now, and what he did not need was bad press.

Putting Things Right That Once Went Wrong.

Mickey Rourke stared at the portal, unable to believe his luck. This was his big chance. To go back and kill Sean Penn in the past. This time he wouldn't fail.

Slower Than Bullet Time.

He hardly even remembered it anymore, but every once in a while... years later... Neo had to wonder what would have happened if he had taken that red pill the black guy offered him.  Oh well.  

Flair of the White Worm.

PHOTO THANKS: Mike Dougherty.
Ugh. God, weren't they both getting a little too old to be hitting up the White Party? But... if it kept Ted from leaving him for some twink...
Sigh. "We all make compromises, Rick," he said to the mirror, grabbing the poppers out of the medicine cabinet.

Bonfire of the Disabilities.

"Couldn't afford to put in a ramp," huh?  Hmm.  Okay.  Well, let's see if they could afford to "put in" a new Student Union.  Let's see about that.

Good Witch of the South-of-Houston.

Look, Manhattan was no Oz, she knew that, all right?  But Glinda also knew there weren't all that many jobs out there for a girl that never got her Bachelor's degree.  And clicking her heels together wasn't going to pay for that coke habit.

I Gotta Tell Ya, I'm Not Feeling It, Dawg.

She was sure the Idol judges would notice her this year. And she just couldn't go back to working the Walmart in Macon. She had talent. This was it for her.

My God. It's Full of Cats.

The boys down in Houston heard only heavy breathing on the mic before they lost contact. They'd never know Commander Wallace's real fate, but even if he had been able to speak in those final seconds... Well. Some cosmic horrors lay beyond words.

Slumdog Concierge

The white businessman patted the bed next to him. Jamal sighed. You'd think there wasn't any legitimate tourism anymore. He thought about Latika... and let the towel drop to the floor.

Gonna Take Pollution Down to Zero.

Gore backed away in revulsion from the Captain's out-stretched hand. So many broken promises they'd made together now stood between them.
How could they pretend the last 20 years hadn't happened?

Look Who's Pyrokinetic.

As the police sifted through the charred remains of the pediatric clinic, Detective Hart lit a cigarette. He knew two things for certain: this was no ordinary case, and this was no ordinary baby they were tracking.

Where She Kept the Bodies.

It was remarkable to Nurse Giggleslice just how many children could be so easily fooled.

Octo-Blob.

She missed the feel of her children growing inside her the minute she gave birth. Was fourteen really enough? It was time to start making calls.

Indiana Jones and the Something of the Something-Something.

"Hush, Dagmar. Let our guest finish. Please, Dr. Jones, continue. You were telling us how you'll soon be in possession of the fabled Simian Sword of the Monkey King, Chimpohtep the Merciless. Your story intrigues us."

Dog Park Prophet.

The unrelenting horror of the visions was something Baxter had learned to take, but nothing, nothing, could prepare him for the death he saw next.

"No.  No, not Angela," his said breathlessly.  

God, please no.  Take anyone but her.

Gears of War.

Von Pompenburg's face went pale behind the binoculars.
"Ach mein Gott," he gasped. His hands were trembling.
He never thought the English would unleash their new-fangled Auto-Johnnies.
Surely the sea would run red with German blood today.

The Seabiscuit Experiment.

Professor Gurtman shook his head. They should have known better than to tamper with the space-time continuum. But you try saying "no" to a crazed jockey with a gun to your head.

Red Tide.

"Well that's just stupid," Scotty sneered, tossing the paper envelope into the pond. "A whole week's allowance wasted. Come on, Mom's waiting. I mean, whoever heard of Grow Your Own Asian Army seeds anyway, Davey...?"

Dylan, Honey, What's All Over Your Face?

No one from Park Services even thought to warn the local parents about the routine spraying. And now their kids were covered-- covered-- in The Gay.

They Can't See You If You Stand Still.

Bekka tried to grab the flashlight before it clattered to the sidewalk, but it was too late. Within a second they all knew: not all of them would make it out of the cul-de-sac alive.

Valkyrie 2: On The Move.

Thank God Eva had brought their stage gear with them. By the time the Allied troops realized who he was, they were already on the boat to Argentina.

No, YOU'LL Go Blind.

Eventually Timmy learned to channel the throbbing urges effectively. Within a month, he was able to shatter small animals with his mind.

The Sacrifice.

Nellie clung to the man she loved, the wind roaring in her ears.

Faster, she whispered. Oh please go faster, Amazu.

Somewhere there was a place for their love. Somewhere further down the road.

You're On in Five.

Snickers ignored the knock on the dressing room door.  No.  He couldn't.  He just couldn't face his fans like this.  Not after the tabloid headlines this week.  Sure, fine, yeah, he'd put on a pound or two.  It was winter.  What did they expect?

Here He Comes. That's Cathy's Son's Clown.

Dr. Hicks testified that Jeffy's behavior was due to a Stockholm or "Patty Hearst" Syndrome, but even he had his doubts. 

Why the boy had gotten into the clown car was understandable.  

Why he'd joined them in their killing spree was not.

Private Lives of Famous Monsters.

No one could ever really understand what she'd given up for love.  It wasn't his international fame she was after, my god.  Or his money.  I mean, she had a career of her own.  No, it was the man inside the celebrity she loved.  

Plus, she'd had all his posters growing up.

Movin Right Along.

"Well, good day to you, ma'am.  My friend and I are proud men of simple means.  Now we're not lookin' fer government handouts, money's tight, that's for sure, but if there's work to be done for a hot meal and a warm bed, why then, we're your men, if not, God bless and we'll be on our way."

Supervise Me.

And all this time he'd just assumed the Fry Guys were over the legal age of consent.  They sure acted like it.  I mean, if anything, they'd come on to him.

They're Writing Songs of Love.

Don't kid yourself, Aaron, he thought to himself.  Why would girls who have everything even look at a guy like you?