Has It Come to This, Old Friend?

The Coke bottle hung frozen in the air.
Pauly's chuckle was low and demonic.

"Did you really consider me so weak, Melvin?"

They both knew what came next.

Their mind-battle would last hours and destroy Brooklyn at the molecular level.

Stranger in a Strange Leotard.

"She came to our planet at a time when so many hard-working Americans had... had just given up, Danny. On our country and ourselves. And she taught us to fight again. And she gave us our faith back. And she could nuke countries we hated with her mind."

"For this we honor her."

Once, When I Was Young.

"You mean the stories Grandmama tells are true?"

"No.  God, no.  But this is what it's all based on.  Apparently, she sat on a stuffed polar bear.  Once.  As a child at a party.  And now, because of the Alzheimer's, she thinks she fought in a whole big arctic war over a compass or some nonsense."

"That's so sad..."

"Oh, I know, honey.  Sanity is such a fragile thing.  Let's cherish it. " Sigh.  

"...all right, come on then, she's seen us."

Gulliver's Travels 2: Day of the Yahoos.

The Lilliputian Uprising had been a blood bath, not exactly the "peaceful takeover" they'd been sold by the media back home.  He'd lost good men liberating those little fuckers.  

But by the looks of it, this island was going to be a walk in the park.

It Says Here You Went to Yale.

Look, the company didn't hire her to spare people's feelings.  The company hired her to give the interview process a much-needed shot of frank, honest feedback.  

So if Samantha thought Ted Bumsby was a pass for VP of Acquisitions, he was a Pass. End of interview.

Let Me Give You A Little Word of Advice.

It got hard towards the end, letting go.  

Don't be a such rookie, Kimber, she told herself.  

You know damn well you don't ever let yourself get attached. 

But.  I mean-- Rodney in 407 wasn't just some patient.

In so many ways, by the end... hadn't he really saved her?

Special Skills and Dialects.

It was when she went for a condom that the SAG card fell out of her purse.

Oh my God, Trina, she realized.  Baby girl, who are you?

Face it, this stopped being "research for a role" months ago.

I Got a Little Cabin up in Big Bear.

Pete and Grady weren't into stereotypes.  They didn't talk fashion.  They hated shit like Sex & the City, and fuck West Hollywood.

They were just a couple of guys into Dudes Chillin with Dudes chillin with beers chillin in a hot tub chillin with some mutual masturbation.  

Was that really so "gay?"

Yes.  Yes it was.

The Dementorship of Tandy Fitzpatrick.

After Gargamel's death (pancreatic cancer), Azrael was forced out on the streets.  But how would he live?  Where could he go?  Who would ever understand him again?  

...and then he met Tandy Fitzpatrick.  

In a graveyard in a rainstorm.  

And it was like Evil had a new name.

Unlimited Texting-to-Texting.

"Is she being ironic or just a bitch when she texts "hope you survive the Joust. ha ha ha. ROTF xoxo?"  I'm supposed to think she's rolling around on the floor laughing and making kissing noises?   Fuckin princesses, man...   'better be worth jousting for, I'll tell you that much."

Mice and Misdemeanors.

"You've been my whole life for two years! I can't go back to the way things were. I was at a low-point when I met you, Mickey, you turned everything around. We made plans, I gave up things for you!" [breaking down...] "I want to speak to Minnie!!!" [sobbing] "...No, Mickey... no, Mickey... "

If Only Shredder Had Lived To See This Day.

What was most important in choosing Nathan's godfather was that he be strong, moral, a role-model, and Jewish.
Luckily, Leonardo fit all criteria.

Did Anyone Bring Any Music?

They were the kind of LA circle of friends that rarely got together, so Huntley's 30th was a good excuse. But by the time they cut the cake, it was obvious they'd run out of conversation.
There was only so much Industry chit-chat you could make.

Greenhouse Gasses.

It was just a little game they played to get through the long press junkets, these two: Who could fart worse, silent but deadly, and never break their smile for the cameras.
Boy, they had them some laughs...

Later though, in orbit, the malfunctioning air filters taught them the real meaning of Silent but Deadly.

Stucketh Unto Thee.

Usually, Matt Damon liked to think he wasn't the type of actor who just "cashed a check" and "phoned it in."  And prequels... weren't really his kind of thing.   He sighed heavily.

Look, if the Farrellys sign on... what could it hurt?  

Besides.  He'd get the added satisfaction of throwing Kinnear a bone.

One Day You're In, the Next Day You're Aut.

"You can't try when it comes to a chic Earth Day look, Virginia.  It's fashion you've got to just feel.  Then you can let the outfit happen more... I guess I'd say, organically?"

Knowing 2: Beyond Nic Cage.

Tammy had been too young to remember Earth.  She'd been too young to remember her human parents before she was Taken.  So let's face it, thirty years later, CluckTon and B'Cawk were the only parents she'd ever known.  And... 

And she loved them, it's true.  Tammy, it's okay to say it.

Obeying the Prime Directive.

"You're a stranger to our village, sir, but here we still believe in honor.  And tradition.  Any Man-Lore Pride Battle goes on as long as it has to.  And the first-born son is always the weapon of choice."

The Boys in the Band.

Elmo bailed the second he got a girlfriend. Snuffalufagus got hooked on Meth.  And Scooter?... well, Scooter'd never really been committed to the band, you know?  

But Cookie Monster came to New York to make music.  

He wasn't going back to Des Moines.  Not now.  Not ever.

This Week on The Bachelor.

Roger always made a big deal that he liked living alone.  He didn't need people.  He wasn't weak like that.  He was just fine.  

But if that was true... why was there always another place setting?  And why was there always enough pasta for two?

Didn't You Used to Be Somebody?

No one ever asked Cheetara about her time on Thundera. There was something... something sad about that. It was hard, you know? When you just wanted someone to ask.

When You Wish Upon a Pop Star.

The letter had arrived magically in a burst of fairy glitter and giggles!  Of all the little girls in the world, Denver Mackenzie's dream had come true!  

She signed it quickly, before Mother had a chance to stop her.  

By tomorrow, she'd have top-tier agents imagineering her first album.

...ABC/Disney was her only mother now.

Are You Watching Closely?

God damn Sassy and her lousy calculations. If their plan was to work at all, the Time Pods would have to be synchronized perfectly.

Torching the Olympics.

"Technically, fine, yes, it's impressive.  I just... Nigel, look, I'll be frank, I just don't see it as our mascot for the 2012 Games."
"But see I think it really embodies that classic can-do Iron Baby flame-throwing spirit of London."

"Well.  Okay, true, but--"

Those Were The Best Days of My Life.

You only get your B.S. in Communication Sciences once, thought Blake.  Or in his case, twice.  But school spirit... that.  Was forever.  

"Mm. Poirot, What An Unexpected Surprise."

It had been Quentin's idea, naturally. They would stay and re-enact the events of that night as many times as it took-- until they discovered the true identity of the Kiddie Kruise Killer.

Why The Wings Were Sabotaged.

"N'yeah, my Dad? Um... maybe you've heard of him? Um, Daedalus? N'yeah, he's prolly like way smarter than your dad? N'yeah, I'm pretty sure he is? Cuz like. N'yeah. N' he said? I was like super-gifted? So... n'yeah, so... so suck it."

These Babies Need Aiiiiiiir.

Quaid couldn't believe his eyes. Could this "Kuato" really be the mastermind behind the Neighborhood Homeowners' Resistence? And could he really trust the word of a mutant?

Desperate Measures.

Fine, eating the poinsettia had just been a cry for help. But this time...? This time they'd be sorry they ever named him Captain Toddlypops. They'd be sorry for a lot of things.

What I Got You Gotta Get and Put It In You.

Of course what Paula told everyone was that she dated Michael for his sense of humor. But let's get real. Michael wasn't all that funny.

The Way We Were.

As Yearbook Editor, it was up to Julian to set an example. Your senior portrait should make a personal statement, and above all, have flair. His did both. With aplomb.

Death Camp for Cuties.

It was the friendships she'd remember most about Camp Winnetonka. The laughter around the campfire, her first kiss, semi-automatic rifle training. The saddest part was always how few of those friends survived.

Scat, Cat!

Whiskers couldn't bare to look at himself in the mirror anymore. It just wasn't the kind of fetish you let people know about.