Have You Seen The Kids?

Somewhere around 3am, about the time Timmy and Jimmy lost feeling in their hands and feet, they realized the fort was anything but.

Cat's Eye.

The humans could not be trusted.  This much was certain.  Perhaps in time-- with proper discipline and grooming-- they could be offered their freedom back.  

But for now, Tanzy would treat them as he saw fit.

One To Watch.

New York Times Review -- "What's notable about NBC's dark reboot of 'Harry and the Hendersons' is how the series manages to transcend genre, offering a frank and often brutal portrait of the true cost of American wealth.  Disturbing, gritty, heartfelt, with the kind of moral compass rarely found on network television anymore."

Love in the Time of Spatial Distortion.

He didn't date someone trans-dimensional to be political. You think he'd really put his family through all that just for some sexual kink? No. Their love was real.
She wasn't "trans" to him. 

She was just Shelley.

"I Said HARDER. Are You Fucking DEAF Too?"

Suri had already burned through three other masseurs. They all knew what to expect: she'd gossip viciously the entire hour and then "forget" to tip on her way out.
But Heinrick wasn't in a position to complain. 

What with Mama in hospice.

What Have You Done? What Have You DONE?!

The sacred and profane pieces of the Grimoire, Necronomicon of the Damned, had been united at last. The thunderclap was deafening. The time of the Blood Reckoning was nigh.

Children of the Cul-de-Sac.

This... secret club of the neighborhood children had been adorable at first, then mildly irritating as the weeks dragged on. But when the second babysitter went missing, the parents all agreed: it was time to put a stop to it. Before the police found out.

In the Matter of the Matterhorn.

"Grak love baby! Grak no let Child Services take baby away!"
It was clear to Ms. Primm that her clerical error had resulted in a quite impossible situation. She politely excused herself from the living room to place a call to the central office.

Subcontinent Subconscious.

Even as Prime Minister of India, she couldn't really justify the nuclear strike on Britain, but never mind.  Because somewhere deep inside Roopali was that vengeful little girl with the utterly perfect reason she would never confess.

Be Our Guest. Or Else.

There was nothing enchanted about growing up in that castle-- why didn't anyone get that? To this day, he could still hear that fucking clock's shrill, campy voice screeching, "Well! Somebody's up past their bed-time!"

Go Now.

Daffy still remembered that first date, when they'd laughed and laughed about the fish they both ordered. Looking back, those early days seemed to be a lot of laughs. But life had caught up with them. There was nothing funny about saying goodbye.

Brother, Can You Spare a Seal Pup?

Noonka missed the icy silence of the North. He'd come to LA full of hope for an acting career, but apparently CGI had robbed him of that. He never even made eye contact anymore.

Spongebob Suddendeath.

The press boys at Nickelodeon had spent the last year covering up Bob's heroin use. How on Earth were they going to spin this?

Sanctity of Marriage.

Katsumi expected to be shunned, even punished for the shame of his adultery and divorce. But he never expected The Atonement of the Cage of the Hail of the Crimson Balls.
That was just an old wives' tale ...wasn't it?
No one had done that for centuries.

Fox on Fox News.

There was no going back from this. He knew it, and he didn't care. They made me what I am. Well, who was running now, Dr. Fendelbaum? Huh? Who's. Running. Now.

How Low Can You Limbaugh?

Oh, folks 'round here were used to the sight. Why, he was their favorite little local fixture, bless his heart. 'Fact, folks even had a sayin back then. They'd say: "Well. Ya Can't Rush Rush."

Torchsong of the South.

Now, as a custom, it had fallen by the wayside, it's true, but dag-nabbit, Sanders was gentleman, a colonel, and in his humble opinion, my good sir, every condemned man got a final smoke.

"Pocket Bestie." Coming This Fall.

And just when everybody had said the Scripted Sitcom was officially dead, CBS whipped one out and single-handedly re-invented the genre. And then, well, let's face it, after that, everything changed.

I'll Take a Leg, Thanks.

She never cooked. Baxter couldn't help but think she was trying to tell him something. Here we go. What, was it their anniversary or something? Well, you know what, Meredith? If there's something you want me to buy you, just come out and say it.

They Trust Me Inherently. Watch.

Silly as it sounded, maybe the worst part of being a paraplegic was having to tell the damn story over and over and over again.  

No.  He hadn't considered it foolish at the time.  Obviously.

The Prefect Killing Machine.

The damn Ruskies had taken the dormitories, the library, and the gymnasium in a matter of hours.  The teachers were dead.  His classmates were hostages.  But the Red Army hadn't counted on one thing, and that was seventh-grader, Garvey Tittle.

Schrodinger's Kitty Goes Kritical.

They'd already fed it half-a-dozen cheeseburgers and still it demanded more, more.  

"But-- but there aren't anymore," Eric said nervously.  "What now?"

The humming started low.  There would be no escaping the cat's rage.

Don't Bother Your Father Right Now.

You know what, he worked hard all week long. If Sandy couldn't keep those goddamn kids out of the goddamn bathroom for one hour on a Saturday so he could soak in the tub... well then he didn't know what.

Thank God Horizontals Were In This Season.

Andy knew just what part of the boardwalk the Chubby Chaser girls cruised. Aw hells yeah, it was gonna be one of those Friday nights.

Family Ties.

No one in the family would ever talk about it. If they could just talk about it-- maybe then Glenn would get over his issues about being adopted. I mean, they'd never treated him any differently.

Yeah No Go Ahead and Watch a Movie.

Sigh.  Eight hours to go and not a single goddamn thing left to say to each other.  Had they really hit Terry's infamous "6-Month Relationship Wall" already?  Ling checked the aisle.  Where was that stewardess with the salted nuts?

Gabriel Learns the Hard Way.

He'd heard it didn't hurt so much if you relaxed, and that if the guy loved you, he'd take it slow. These were both lies.

I'LL Show You Some Yellow Snow.

He'd need a stiff one if he was going to make it through yet another holiday season. I mean, every year it was different kids, but always the same old Frosty. Why didn't they get that it took its toll?

Code Name: The Mittens Initiative.

The next day the ammunitions factory exploded in a sudden blaze of shrapnel, killing the Nazis inside, who'd never even suspected.
The tide of the war had turned, and it was all thanks to the sacrifice of a single brave little Jewish kitten whom history forgot.

Outside Her DUMBO Apartment.

Cassandra had never thought much of the vengeful hate-filled secrets she'd whispered to the elephants that afternoon as a child. But now here they were. Years later. On her Brooklyn doorstep. They hadn't forgotten the plans she'd made. Had she?

When Lazlo Came to Play.

GUEST CO-WRITER: Jeffrey McCrann.
"Why, here I am, Dora. How silly of you to lock the door, you silly girl. I do hope my sportcoat isn't too garish for your mother's delicate sensibilities. It's what Sir CricketShanks himself suggested this very morning that I wear to mark the occasion of this, our 19th play-date..."

We HAVE Had an Adventure Today, Haven't We.

The hardest part for Lizabeth was faking relief when her plan failed. Harlan, ever the good sport, played along for both their sakes.

My Ticket Looks Like a W-2.

An animatronic rollercoaster ride through his slowing metabolism, thinning hair, and stagnant career wasn't part of the carnival Eddie was hoping for on his 30th birthday.

Do You Mind if Stanley Comes Too?

No, it wasn't the marriage she'd envisioned on their wedding day, but how could Marisa end it? Stanley needed her. He told her every day. If she could only get a moment's peace.

Contents Under Pressure.

There were no signs. None at all.
One week they were the perfect couple: college-bound, in love, committed to abstinence, church volunteers. The next week they were dead in a hail of police gunfire after a shooting spree that lasted 72 hellish hours.
My God, thought Commissioner Pyle. What could have possibly brought this on?

Aren't You Going to Say Something?

Everyone at the party looked up, then back at each other, silently rolling their eyes.  God.  What was it about Madison that made her try so hard?

Their Open Marriage.

Funny how they could both agree to the arrangement just to cover a fetish they both unknowingly shared.

Dude. Can You Erase That Off Your Phone?

It wasn't like Fritzy didn't like partying with Michael Phelps, it was just... well, he was applying for law school right now, and what he did not need was bad press.

Putting Things Right That Once Went Wrong.

Mickey Rourke stared at the portal, unable to believe his luck. This was his big chance. To go back and kill Sean Penn in the past. This time he wouldn't fail.